Oh Lord! I am guilty!

Psalms 51:10-11

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

If i being completely honest this piece was so difficult to write and I kept asking myself and God why I couldn't just sit and write -why? This is the one thing in my life that was the easiest thing to turn to , to completely soak myself in its comfort. Whatever I have written is what I have gone through and going through - I am struggling intensely with understanding guilt and how it manifests when trying to build a relationship with God. And I have tried and I have failed and I have given up before but I'm still here and I'm still going to try because I believe and most importantly failure has brought me the greatest thing which is the love of God. You see I've been down that road the one that most of you are one, the one where you decide to get closer to God and it's good and it feels great and you start reading your bible. However, as you get closer to Him the more you feel unworthy or guilty, shameful and convicted of the things you do wrong and those feelings are overwhelming and end up pushing you away from Him, or in most cases you develop a relationship with God on your terms. The hard reality is God is not like that and it is completely okay for you to be aware of your unworthiness to worship Him , God knows who we are and even in our nature He loves us. That is the hardest thing to accept. Growing and learning about God's love has helped me tackle a darkness in me that I never knew existed, we always question whether we can love but we never question whether we are worthy to be loved. I am worthy not of the things I have done or can do for God or for anyone, I am worthy because God loves me.

God loves you , that is not a promise to come, it is promised, meaning it has come to be, it is now - this love is around you its near you always. I wish someone reminded me of that - I speak prematurely as I am caught in my unbelief of He that resides within me. I am not alone. You are not alone. We are sinners, God knows that. It is simply human nature to assume the worst of yourself and to protect others from the parts of yourself that you don't like or bring you shame. Sometimes we bring this same behaviour into our relationship with God - this self-sabotaging behaviour of hiding when we sin thinking that God's is angry at us or that we are disqualified or unworthy to pray or read His word. It is needless. We are punishing ourselves, thinking that we must do 'good' or be 'good Christians in order to be blessed or experience His mercy and faithfulness.

God is good, they are no clauses or parameters to that statement -He simply is, all you need to do is let Him in. God created you, and He knows that your nature away from Him is sinful. Which is why the greatest sacrifice was made by His son on the cross. A sacrifice made in the flesh meaning he knows all your trials of heartache, comparison, fear of rejection or self-hatred - He knows it all and because of this He has much more mercy on us, even in those struggles that are so overwhelming. So overwhelming that breathe is in scarcity and speech cannot be found.

Can you imagine if God gave us a checklist of all things we had to do or become in order to experience His holiness? Can you imagine how long that list would be ? Forget about a career or a passion you would spend a whole lifetime just trying to achieve one or two items on the checklist. The price of our worthiness was proven by the blood of Jesus on the cross, God loves us so much that He didn't want us to struggle to come to Him, the only thing we need to do is make the choice to let Him in. Make no mistakes though once you let Him in be prepared for the deliverance, He doesn't just work on the parts of us that we know are not pleasing to Him, He works on everything, everything that encompasses who you are - you have to let it go and let God be the foundation of who you become. Guilt delays this process and because of this we know that it is not His will. Remember who God says you are.

Thank you God.

Penzi Tele,

Wambui