God's Chisel II

Chisel away. God chisel away. I give everything that I am to you even when it is not pleasing. I choose to be the willing sacrifice. Hit and hit and pain and pain as I watch you expose me in the nakedness of my truth. Aren't you displeased at me?, at what you have found. You hate sin, it is written in your word. These are the thoughts that plague my mind. I wail to you for forgiveness to take me as I am. And as I wait for your response of anger or for your punishment all I get is love and discipline as a father does to his child. You discipline me because I am your child and it is painful but it is with love. The greatest honour bestowed upon me is to hear you call me your child, Oh! what a wonderous feeling, that agape love.

It has taken me long to come here, I am sorry because I have been listening to the wrong voices - scared of what you have found, what you have always known was there. Please listen to Him, read His word and understand who He is. He is love and strength and the only way to survive everything we see and have to bear. He carries the burden, comforts your sorrows and gives courage in the face of fear. I want to love you God , not for what any pastor or church has taught me but for who His word says that He is. When you get baptized the pastor says you have become a 'new creation' in Christ. This is what the journey to a new creation looks like, you have to die to your old self. This is nothing to be scared of, it is not so that you become aimless but it is so that He is sure you can handle the blessings, promotions, mantles and ministries that He has ordained over your head.

It sometimes can feel lonely and can consist of heartache but it is always temporary for victory and freedom belongs to HIM and He gives it to those who He has called back to HIM. As you can tell by my words, I am struggling to conceptualize God's love for me. I am finally at a point where I feel like I am accepting it but still feel the chains of my old self- the insecure little girl bringing her insecurities to God. I never thought that the same commitment issues that I have had with relationships my whole life could manifest themselves in my relationship with God. I know it sounds foolish, How does God ever compare to the men of my past who have hurt me? But that's exactly what I was doing, meaning I was viewing Him and our relationship the way I understood men and relationships with men- unreliable. Meaning I have struggled to completely trust Him because I think He will hurt me the way I have been hurt before. Its crazy, believe me I know how it sounds.

The most beautiful thing about getting closer to God is what I like to call the 'gentle mirror'- God reflects how you see yourself and questions everything negative you have ever thought or believed about yourself. For a young girl or a young woman this looks like having a personal cheerleader every time you think or look at yourself. Sounds great right? But the habits of the flesh are very hard to break so even as God replaces every negative thought you had about yourself with love, patience and mercy you start questioning Him, because in the carnal mind a love like God's love is inexplainable. this is where your faith lies, this is where you pray to Him;

'O Lord, I believe, please help me in my unbelief'

Becoming a new creation, changing and growing to a woman of God consists of Healing, something that I feel can be quite romanticized. God must change you, He created you in His image and His likeness meaning when He calls you back to Him, you must become that. It is difficult and you will encounter spiritual warfare, God never promised no problems what He promised is that you would never be alone as you fight. I guess that's why I share- don't take as long as I did, don't refuse to listen to the gentle voice in your spirit. Don't delay that call. God's chisel is to produce a masterpiece that is complete, that is how He views you.

Thank you God for this words on my lips and thank you for who it is for- may they hear and respond to your call.

Penzi tele,

Stacey Wambui.